For the first time in years, I am wearing something that Nathan made for me. Lego "track" with jewels set in . . . very chic.
I took the picture with my Mac built-in camera while I was talking to Megan on the phone. Not a great photo, but you get the idea.
Now, the essay:
While I was checking messages, I accidentally
erased a voice mail from my phone. I had the feeling, though, that it had
come from the President of the Stake Primary. I had been in Maryland visiting family all week. When
I got home, I asked Brent if she had been released as Primary president.
He told me that there had been talk of it in Stake Presidency meetings,
but he didn't know if there had been anything done yet.
For the last few years, I have served as her 2nd
Counselor. I know that I will miss
working with her. In an
email, I told her that I couldn’t “express adequately the joy that I have felt
as I learned from you and got to know you better.” She is an incredible woman.
I drive Nathan to the airport tomorrow so that he
can help his sister in Provo finish emptying her apartment and then he'll drive
with her back to Florida. She and her husband agreed to divorce just a
few weeks ago--there are things going on inside her that she couldn't or didn't
know how to share with me (or anyone)--I'm sure I'll never understand the full
extent of all that she has put herself through during the last 6 years that she
was married.
Anyway--so changes are whirling about in my head
and heart. Nathan will be transferring to BYU in August to finish his
B.S. in Biology. Lauren will be here (along with a very big dog--sigh)
and our family dynamic will turn to a different shape.
I was looking at my Facebook profile. It is
pretty empty. I found an entry on-line about a friend who served in the
same mission that I did--we were in the MTC at the same time. He has just
been called as a Mission President.
I am dreaming away my life in a paradise with only
my inner demons to duel. My children are ready for me to have a life of my
own--Megan will look back on all the 10s of thousands of pictures I've taken of
her two children and wonder if I actually did anything other than catalogue
pictures taken of her family and wander from WalMart to Target looking for
clothes and toys to send to her, her husband and her children. (In all
fairness, I also search for clothes and toys for Brent and Nathan and Lauren.)
Meg's husband is in Turkey for two weeks
delivering a paper dealing with computational linguistics and language
acquisition. Brent has been back and forth to DC, working with
legislators and lobbyists on a bill that will play havoc with the monetary
system. Meg, La and Nate are all dealing with decisions that will affect
their eternities--marriage, children, and education.
My greatest pleasure lately has been wandering
around my gardens and singing aloud to the sky. I have been given so
much--
Anyway, this has turned into an essay on my
personal philosophy . . . and on how much I am not looking forward to finding
myself in a life that leaves too much to be desired..
The woman, who has been the Stake Primary
President, is seeing changes--her daughters married and grandchildren for her
in the near future. She is an anesthesiologist RN—a career that has been
spent doing something that has been vital to my own body's ability to function.
It was a good opportunity to watch someone dedicated to helping others
live the Gospel more fully.
Nathan just presented me with a necklace made of
Legos. It is a good reminder of
the good things I have done in my past.
