I was asked to speak this Mother’s Day on women in Zion. What I am really going to speak about is two women in Zion. As I speak about my wife and my mother, I would like for those men in the congregation that are married to think about your spouse and ponder on those qualities that endear her to you. As I speak about my mother, think about your mother, your grandmothers, and other women who have touched your life. Reflect on the qualities in them that lifted you and helped you to become the person you are today.
We all have a mother. She may have played a role different from the standard role. She may have spent more time or less attention with her children than the average mother. However, every one of us has a mother who gave us life.
Eliza R. Snow penned the words to one of my favorite hymns “O My Father.” Her lyrics capture what we all intuitively know about our spiritual upbringing prior to coming here on earth. The words to this hymn remind us that we have a heavenly mother as well:
3. I had learned to call thee Father, Thru thy Spirit from on high,
But, until the key of knowledge Was restored, I knew not why.
In the heav’ns are parents single? No, the thought makes reason stare!
Truth is reason; truth eternal Tells me I’ve a mother there.
In Romans, chapter 8, verse 16, we read: “The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:” We are the children of Heavenly Parents. Our earthly mothers deserve the same respect and protection from the profane things of this world that our Eternal Mother has been shown by our Eternal Father.
N. Eldon Tanner once said, “A mother has far greater influence on her children than anyone else, and she must realize that every word she speaks, every act, every response, her attitude, even her appearance and manner of dress affect the lives of her children and the whole family. It is while the child is in the home that he gains from his mother the attitudes, hopes, and beliefs that will determine the kind of life he will live and the contribution he will make to society.”
I am the oldest of six children in my family. My father enlisted in the Air Force just before I was born and so there was never enough money and more than enough work to be done. My mother taught me to work. She did it by example: she was always working in the yard, gardening, canning, cooking, and cleaning. When her example was not enough to get the six of us to help around the house, she would often start reciting the following poem:
“I love you mother, said little Nell
I love you more than tongues can tell.
Then teased and pouted for half the day
Till her mother rejoiced when she went out to play.
I love you mother, said little John
Forgetting his work, his cap went on.
Then he was off to the garden swing
Leaving his mother the wood to bring
I love you mother, said little Ann
Today I'll help you all I can
Then stepping softly she took the broom
Swept the floor and tidied the room.
I love you mother, again they said
Three little children all going to bed.
Now, which one do you suppose, really loved Mother the most?”
After hearing this guilt-inducing poem a few times, we children learned to quickly go and do what we had been asked to do--before she could get past the “I love you mother said little Nell” part of the poem.
My mother was always very protective of her children. She always believed us, trusted us, and stuck up for us if there were ever any question regarding our behavior in the neighborhood or in school. When someone you love believes in you so strongly that she would protect you and stand up for you under any circumstance, it affects how you act. We never wanted to disappoint her and we tried to live in such a way that we would be worthy of that protection and trust.
My mother always acted and spoke about my going on a mission and going to college as if it were a natural and inevitable consequence of being born--even though my dad and my grandfathers had not gone on missions, nor had they gone to college as young men. I grew up assuming that she was right and that was the course I followed. My three brothers and one of my sisters all served missions as well. I can say that going on a mission and going to college have made all the difference in how my life has turned out. It allowed me to meet my wife, the mother of my children.
Mothers literally wear out their lives for us in one way or another. Sometimes it is through long years of work and dedication. Sometimes it is through sacrificing personal interests and desires, in order to teach and care for family members—sometimes it is literal. Carolyn’s grandmother died shortly after giving birth to Carolyn’s father. Carolyn is grateful to this grandmother she never met and feels a bond with her. She carries this woman’s name as her middle name. Her father told her that his mother was especially looking after her as she served her mission. Carolyn cherishes her because of the ultimate sacrifice she paid in bringing her father into this world. Today, thank your mother for all she has done for you. Thank her in person, by phone, or--if that is not possible--in your personal thoughts of gratitude.
My mother always expected the best from me and believed in me and my abilities. There was never any question in her mind that I was a good person and would have a wonderful life. I have had a wonderful life and I have tried to live up to her expectations. I have noted that this ability to expect the best from others is potentially one of the best motivators in the lives of others; but it requires a consistent belief--and it requires time. I have learned that people often live up or down to the expectations of those they care about. This can be uplifting or it can be a severe obstacle to overcome, depending on what those expectations are.
My wife and my mother are two very different individuals in terms of upbringing, experiences and interests. The one thing that they hold in common--from my selfish perspective--is that they both love me unconditionally. Because of all that they do for me and mean to me, I love them very much. To paraphrase the Apostle John, “We love our wives and our mothers, because they first loved us” 1 Jn. 4:19.
My wife is an incredible person. As I mentioned earlier, my mother always expected the best of me and believed in me and my abilities. With my mother’s basic training and her belief that I was a good person, Carolyn was in a good position to take over and make something more out of me. I am still a work in progress. To some degree I am her other child as she teaches me and often shows me the path I am to walk.
We met while going to BYU. We were married during my junior year in college. During my senior year, I happened to tell Carolyn that even though I was nearly done with my schooling, I did not feel like I could actually do anything. I wasn’t sure who would hire me, given--from my perspective--my lack of knowledge and abilities. I was a little stunned when she replied “Of course you are not ready.” She told me that I still had to go to graduate school.
Graduate school had never crossed my mind.
She had grown up with parents who expected their children not only to go to college, but to also go to graduate school and earn advanced degrees. She told me that I had two choices. Since I was getting a finance degree, I could continue on and get an MBA or, if I wanted, I could go to law school. I looked at the requirements for passing the GMAT to get into a graduate business school and I looked at the requirements for passing the LSAT to get into a law school. The LSAT had less math so I went to law school. She thought I could do it, I did not know that I could not, so that is what I did. No more planning than that was involved in my choice of career. Nonetheless, I have been blessed by a mother and a wife who believed in my abilities even when evidence of that ability did not exist.
My wife’s training also involved the little things in my life as well. One day, after a long time of not getting any flowers from me, (after I had graduated and was making some money), she got out her wallet and gave me some cash. She told me not to come home until I brought her some flowers. So I went out and brought her some flowers. When she thought too much time had transpired since the last time I brought her the flowers, she did it again. She never got mad or annoyed at my lack of thoughtfulness. She realized that I had been brought up in a different home than she had and so she worked on teaching me. After a while I would get it right and actually surprise her with flowers. I am embarrassed to say this, but she still occasionally has to, figuratively, get out her wallet and send me for flowers.
Carolyn does not get upset at my lack of manners or social graces. She knows I love her more than anything, so she never takes my thoughtlessness or idiosyncrasies personally. She carefully takes what she has been given--in terms of a husband--and works with me to make me a better, more attentive person. I do believe that I am a better person today, because of her influence, than the day we were married.
I just hope that she does not give up on me.
Carolyn has been a guiding influence in my spiritual maturation as well. When our children where small, the church started emphasizing family scripture reading. Carolyn helped me to learn how to lead our family in scripture reading. It took several years (not weeks or months) to get beyond the moaning and children picking at each other during the nightly scripture reading time. Eventually, though, we got to the point where we all enjoyed the time together. We would read and sit and discuss what we had read and what it meant to us. Sometimes we talked for a long time after we had finished reading. It was one of the best experiences we had as a family. It brought us closer together. However, if we had stopped after a few weeks or months of frustration--because it did not start out as a pleasant or spiritual experience--we would never have had the truly marvelous experiences we had later, while our children were maturing spiritually. My children and I have Carolyn to thank for those experiences and memories. Carolyn is the spiritual center of our home.
I have mentioned before how my daughters--when they were little--used to do what they called “playing a play.” When they were young, they would act out plays together. One of the characters they both created was Little Mama. They represented her by two of their fingers which walked like this [show two fingers walking across palm of my other hand]. Carolyn found out about these characters one day when she wanted to take the girls across the street to a park for a picnic lunch. Normally, when crossing the street, Carolyn would have them hold onto a pocket on each side of her jeans. This time, though, they said they couldn’t hold on to her pockets because, if they did, “Little Mama will fall.” Carolyn said, “I am your mama.” They said “No, not you, you are Big Mama. This is Little Mama. If we hold on to your pocket Little Mama will fall!” Carolyn thought about that and asked if they could be very obedient when they crossed the street and stay right next to her so the Little Mamas would not fall down. They both said yes and walked right next to her across the street to have their picnic. My children have all tried to incorporate a part of Big Mama into their lives as they have grown up. She will always be a part of who they become.
Carolyn, my wife and my children’s mother, has always been interested in Megan, Lauren and Nathan as individuals with their own thoughts and interests and perspectives. She values them for who they are and what they are interested in. Every night as they grew up, until they decided they were too old, she would spend 15 to 20 minutes with each of them. Listening to their prayers and then, before they fell asleep, listening as they talked about what happened that day and any other thing they wanted to say. My children knew they were important. They knew their mother cared about them and what they thought. They fell asleep every night knowing that someone they cared about was very close. I heard a number of years ago a terrifying statistic, I may not be exact on the numbers, but the crux of the matter was that parents only spent about 7 minutes a day actually communicating with their children and much of that was negative criticism. I know my mother spent much more time than that talking to me as I grew up. She used to ask me questions about all sorts of things. If I did not have an answer or opinion, she would say “Think about it and we can talk about it tomorrow.” I grew up knowing that someone was interested in what I thought about things. My children grew up knowing someone cared about what they thought. That is a priceless blessing. That is a blessing that we can give others.
My children also learned about obedience from their mother. They learned the value of the phrase “Yes mama, I’ll do it right away”. Carolyn took some child development classes at BYU. She read books on child development and how children learn. She was the oldest in a family of five children. Consequently she has, over the years, learned what worked and did not work in teaching children. From what I can tell, what counts in teaching children is consistency and follow-through and my wife was the epitome of both. Without getting upset or angry, without raising her voice she would teach our children how to obey instructions by giving them options. Frequently you would hear the following exchange between Carolyn and our children when they were younger:
She would ask them to pick up a toy, to come when she called, or to empty the dishwasher. If Meg, Lauren or Nathan expressed a desire NOT to obey, Carolyn would ask, “Do you want to do it by yourself? Or do you want me to help you?” Very soon they learned to quickly answer, “I want to do it myself.” They responded with that answer, and then immediately began to pick up the toy or come to her or empty the dishwasher. If they did not, then Carolyn would help them do whatever it was that she asked them to do. It seemed embarrassing to my children that they would need their mother’s help, so they would do it themselves. She was always consistent, never asking anything that she was not immediately willing to do or follow up on. My children learned to believe their mother and that has made all the difference in teaching them obedience.
My wife loves life.
She is a singer, a pianist, and plays the flute. She is a choir leader, a writer, a teacher, a gardener, a collector of all things interesting, a photographer, a horse rider, animal lover, and a perpetual student. These things have had their times and seasons in her life but she is and will always be a wife and a mother.
Carolyn grew up in a home where she and her sisters and her mother would always perform in church and other venues, singing or playing the piano or the flute. So, naturally, when she married me she thought I would have the same experience and desire. She did not know what a challenge that would be. She persevered and after many months of making me sing this song over and over, we sang together in Sacrament Meeting. This was a very long time ago, but I would like to sing just the first verse of this song, usually sung by the girls in Primary.
Love Is Spoken Here,
I see my mother kneeling with our family each day.
I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray.
Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears,
And I am thankful love is spoken here.
The gift of motherhood is everything to us. Today is the opportunity to give, for just a few minutes, a special token of our recognition and appreciation--for the love given and sacrifices made by every mother in Zion.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
